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(Jenny: early 30’s Japanese-American):
"Hi Kyoko, thanks for sharing your story with us as this is a topic I hear over and over again in my lessons with my students. Rather than just say Japanese men are different from others, I think it is more fair to gauge the environment and society that the man grew up in.
I have seen some foreign men act like idiotic children while other Japanese men do their best to keep women happy in marriages. Like I said, it is a case by case basis.
With that said, I would have to agree that generally Japanese men do tend to lack their foreign counterparts in participating more in the home and showing affection. However, I blame this on environment and society.
Take for example a situation I had many years ago when I recommended a male student buy flowers for his wife for mother’s day. Though he told me he had bought it for his mom, he never considered buying anything for his wife since he "absentmindedly" thought his 5 year old daughter would do that.
So on that evening after our lesson, he bought the flowers and gave it to his wife. To my surprise, this was the conversation that ensued if memory serves me right:
| This is for you.. (while handing over the flowers) |
| What’s this? |
|
Mother’s day present. |
|
What did you do? Did you do something wrong? |
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No. I just wanted to give you a present for mother’s day. |
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Why did you waste money on these flowers? |
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But… huh? |
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Save money. |
I feel sorry for Japanese men in that they are criticized for showing affection while at the same time when they do, something had to have provoked the behavior. Of course, when men do something good, it is usually met with appreciation and not more criticism.
Another example is when I ask female student what they think when they see a Japanese guy holding flowers on the train vs an American guy holding flowers on the train. Surprisingly, most of them said it is "normal" for Americans to buy flowers because they are gentlemen. However, my students felt it was "strange" or "unnatural" for a Japanese men to hold flowers.
All in all, I want to point out that men are not all perfect. Their society, environment, and upbringing has instilled in them a mindset that is hard to changet. I am not saying they can not change but it will take time and effort from both the man and his wife. Japanese women need to also change what society dictates of them and communicate what they want with their husbands.
Japanese wives want men to be more affectionate. Japanese men want their wives to be more affectionate. It is a two way street.
From a foreigners point of view, I say Japanese women have it best. At least most of you get your husband’s salary transferred to your account and you manage the family budget! That is something most foreign men will never allow.
In your case Kyoko, I want to say that not every relationship is perfect. Though your teacher may seem like the "perfect" husband with regards to the points you mentioned, your husband may be better in other parts. You just have to look for it.
I have also heard Japanese men complain how their wives are not more like American women. For example, they say things like how they wished their wives would work more and take more of a burden off of them to be the main breadwinner. They also say how Western women allow men to have more freedom in having "boys" nights and openly allow their friends into their homes which I think Japanese women are not likely to allow.
Have you ever talked to your husband on what you would like him to do? Additionally, if he is to change to adapt to your needs, you will need to adapt to his needs as well. After all, marriage is all about understanding and compromising. A good start to all of this is better communication as it is a very good start in almost everything.
Let me know how it goes!
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